Divorce With Grace and Without Social Media (Part 2)

"Dance like no one is watching;

Email like it may one day
be read aloud in a deposition."

            Social media has actually been the cause of many divorces.  Old flames or high school sweethearts find each other on Facebook and rekindle that spark, especially if their marriage is already rocky.  Or you meet someone new and they find and friend you.  It may start with innocent conversation that leads to an emotional bond.  However it starts, as soon as it does, you need to stop communicating via social media or any other electronic method.  (Actually, first you should consider how what you are doing will impact your marriage and family). 

Believe it or not, anything electronic can and probably will come back to haunt you.  Sure, you can delete it, but is it really gone?  Or has someone already seen and copied it?  And I know from my personal experience in handling discovery for client’s divorce cases that everything on your Facebook page can be obtained by your spouse, including messages and deleted messages.  I have sent out many discovery requests including instructions on how to download your Facebook page including all deleted posts and messages.  Of course, this works both ways, you can obtain this same information from your spouse to prove any indiscretions. 

Another problem I have seen with social media during a divorce is using it as a weapon against a spouse; posting comments, pictures, statuses, or quotes to upset or take jabs at their spouse.  Why?  What is there to gain by upsetting your spouse even more?  In many cases the children are Facebook friends (or snapchat/Instagram followers) of the parents and see these remarks.  I have seen a husband update his relationship status to “dating” or even “engaged” while still going through a divorce.  That behavior will most likely be used against you in court. Not only will this look bad in court, it will look bad to your own family and friends!  And please, please do not post a picture of your ultrasound and have everyone guessing who the father is!!

You may also be tempted to post everything that is happening in your divorce, this is never a good idea!  Again, are your children or mother on Facebook, reading everything you post?  And to be honest, I don’t know about everyone else but I personally do not want to read about it.  I promise you are only making yourself look bad.  You may be tempted to announce to the world that your husband had an affair, and out the other person, and while you think this will make you feel better, it won’t.  You may even feel worse.  This is when you really need to show kindness and grace towards your spouse and yourself.

The best way to handle this is to deactivate ALL social media accounts once the decision to divorce has been made.  This will take away any temptation to post anything that could cause you problems in the future.  Just go completely off-line during the process.  No Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat!  Not only will going off-line protect you, but it may also give you some much needed space and peace of mind during the process.  If you feel you cannot turn off all social media, then find a way to keep from posting anything.  This is important… do not post anything at all until your divorce is final.  If you find the temptation is still there, then write in a journal instead of posting for the world to see.  Journaling instead of posting may be therapeutic for you during the divorce process and give you some clarity and direction.

If your spouse chooses to continue posting anything and everything, do not let him/her pull you in, stay strong, keep your grace and do not respond.  When others ask about what your spouse has announced just decline to respond.  Trust me, from my experiences in this arena, your spouse will look like the bad guy in the end!

Once your divorce is finalized, continue to show grace in what you decide to post.  Do not post things like “I can finally be happy” or “I’ve been miserable for 12 years and now I’m free”.  It is over at this point, why continue to take jabs at your ex-spouse?  I recently had a client whose husband posted on Facebook “I can finally move on with the love of my life” on the day his divorce was final.  His teenage son is Facebook friends with him.  That was not kind, that was selfish.  By posting this he not only hurt his son, but his friends and family, who he had spent months denying an affair to, no longer trust or believe him.  And of course, it hurt his ex-wife and many friends and family came running to her with words of kindness and support.  If he had just shown a little grace and not posted something so hurtful to so many, life for him and his girlfriend would have gone much smoother after the divorce.  Once the divorce is final, just refrain from posting and writing anything at all about or at your ex-spouse. 

Grace is important throughout the whole divorce process and after, especially if there are kids involved. Continue to show grace to your ex-spouse and remember to show grace to yourself.  You may slip up, make mistakes, but you should just forgive yourself and keep your head held high and keep going.  Remember, grace goes both ways.

Stayed tuned for Part 3 in this series coming soon.

Divorce With Grace (Part 1 of a Series)

        Grace through a divorce… not possible!  Actually, yes, it is. Be the one who is graceful (and shows grace) through the divorce process and I promise you will feel better about yourself at the end.

Divorce is painful, even if it is amicable (which we will discuss that in a different post), and it is not easy.  There are so many feelings involved. You are sad, hurt, angry and confused to name a few.  These feelings will be there even if you want the divorce, even if you are the cause of the divorce, and even if you filed.  Your life has been intertwined with your spouses and untangling that is difficult and time-consuming.  But you do not want to make the process worse by constantly “showing out” or by being uncooperative and bad-mouthing your spouse, no matter how angry you are…. BE GRACEFUL… Here are some tips for doing just that:

First, once the decision has been made and you are moving forward with the divorce, try to communicate with your spouse through text and email.  This will keep you from having verbal confrontations which will inevitably lead to you saying something you shouldn’t that may have your spouse saying “you are crazy”.  If you are communicating through text and email you will have physical evidence of everything that is said, and you may even have some good evidence to use against your spouse in court if necessary.  Remember this goes both ways. Be careful what you send and re-read every text or email several times before sending.  If you are angry, ask a friend or even your attorney to read it before sending.  You may want to sit on it for a day.  What you send could also be used in court against you, so don’t give your spouse the opportunity to look like the better person here… because they will if they can.

            Second, I recommend you deactivate ALL social media accounts during the divorce.  This will eliminate any temptation to post things about your spouse and your divorce, and it will especially keep you from posting about your new boyfriend/girlfriend.  I know that sounds crazy, but I have seen updated relationship status’ during a divorce (sometimes even to a fiancé).  Even if your divorce is almost final, it does not look good, and may give your spouse some ideas to look into when that relationship actually started.  Just go off-line through the process. It will protect you and possibly give you some quiet time to process what is going on.  Now, once the divorce is final you may want to post something like “I can finally be happy” or “I can now move on with the love of my life” or something else just as a dig to your ex-spouse.  Keep the grace going, and just skip it.  This is especially important if you have children. You are going to always need to protect them and not disparage their other parent… please, please listen to this! Your children need both parents, no matter how you feel, you are going to have to find a way to hide those feelings.

            Next, be flexible (or at least try to look like you are).  If there are some small things you can give on, like who gets final say in activities/sports for the kids, then give so that you can save your energy for the bigger fights, like custody.  The last thing you want is to seem unreasonable.  If you make more money than your spouse, and especially if your spouse has no income, then offer to pay for mediation. It really is a small gesture that will make you look like the good guy/gal.  You may even want to offer to pay some or all of your spouse’s attorney’s fees if you make more money and can afford to as it may end up saving you money in the long run as well. Litigating in court gets very expensive.  And if you do end up in court, you will look like the reasonable party just by making some small concessions. You may even look a little better in the eyes of your soon to be ex.

            Finally, keep living your life.. no matter how hard it is.  Get out of bed, go to work, the gym, take the kids to school and activities, go to dinner with friends… fake it until you make it.  The world will see this person who went through a divorce with grace, and you will appreciate that when it’s all over.  You will be able to feel good about how you handled yourself throughout the process and you will be able to hold your head high (hopefully higher than your ex).

            These few recommendations will get you started on your way to a graceful divorce.  There may be times when you just cannot follow these guidelines because the hurt is too deep and you are too angry.  So if you slip up, say something you regret or do something that you know you shouldn’t have, don’t give up… start again. Grace goes both ways!

Stayed tuned for Part 2 in this series coming soon.

Who I Am

Hi! My name is Teresa DiPonzio. I am a single mom of an awesome 17 year old daughter. I have been divorced for 12 years. After my divorce I decided to change my career path and received my JD from Atlanta's John Marshall Law School. I'm a Georgia licensed attorney and registered mediator. I started my own practice specializing in personal injury and mediation. I have experience in many other areas of law including family/domestic, real estate, estate planning and landlord/tenant just to name a few. 

I started this blog for a couple of reasons. First of all, I found that there are many general questions about the route one should take to get the best possible outcome. A lot of times these questions aren't just legal questions but rather "How should I act?" in a certain situation. From my experience I have stories that I can tell and opinions on many matters that might help someone along the way. Every situation is different and there's not just one set plan. Second, I've seen so many different scenarios where the outcome would have been different had the actions and attitude of the client been better. So by sharing some of my experiences and opinions through this blog hopefully someone going through a difficult legal action will find some direction. 

My blogs will cover many areas of law as well as current events. Everything is game! However, I am licensed in Georgia so you may find my discussions based on Georgia law. Any information I provide is NOT to be construed as legal advice. Please contact a licensed attorney in your state for legal advice.