"Dance like no one is watching;
Email like it may one day
be read aloud in a deposition."
be read aloud in a deposition."
Social media has actually been the cause of many
divorces. Old flames or high school
sweethearts find each other on Facebook and rekindle that spark, especially if
their marriage is already rocky. Or you
meet someone new and they find and friend you.
It may start with innocent conversation that leads to an emotional bond. However it starts, as soon as it does, you
need to stop communicating via social media or any other electronic
method. (Actually, first you should consider how what you are doing will impact
your marriage and family).
Believe
it or not, anything electronic can and probably will come back to haunt
you. Sure, you can delete it, but is it
really gone? Or has someone already seen
and copied it? And I know from my personal
experience in handling discovery for client’s divorce cases that everything on
your Facebook page can be obtained by your spouse, including messages and deleted messages. I have sent out many discovery requests
including instructions on how to download your Facebook page including all
deleted posts and messages. Of
course, this works both ways, you can obtain this same information from your
spouse to prove any indiscretions.
Another
problem I have seen with social media during a divorce is using it as a weapon against
a spouse; posting comments, pictures, statuses, or quotes to upset or take jabs
at their spouse. Why? What is there to gain by upsetting your
spouse even more? In many cases the
children are Facebook friends (or snapchat/Instagram followers) of the parents
and see these remarks. I have seen a
husband update his relationship status to “dating” or even “engaged” while still
going through a divorce. That behavior
will most likely be used against you in court. Not only will this look bad in
court, it will look bad to your own family and friends! And please, please do not post a picture of
your ultrasound and have everyone guessing who the father is!!
You
may also be tempted to post everything that is happening in your divorce, this
is never a good idea! Again, are your
children or mother on Facebook, reading everything you post? And to be honest, I don’t know about everyone
else but I personally do not want to read about it. I promise you are only making yourself look
bad. You may be tempted to announce to
the world that your husband had an affair, and out the other person, and while
you think this will make you feel better, it won’t. You may even feel worse. This is when you really need to show kindness
and grace towards your spouse and yourself.
The
best way to handle this is to deactivate ALL social media accounts once the
decision to divorce has been made. This
will take away any temptation to post anything that could cause you problems in
the future. Just go completely off-line
during the process. No Facebook,
Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat! Not only
will going off-line protect you, but it may also give you some much needed space
and peace of mind during the process. If
you feel you cannot turn off all social media, then find a way to keep from
posting anything. This is important… do
not post anything at all until your divorce is final. If you find the temptation is still there,
then write in a journal instead of posting for the world to see. Journaling instead of posting may be therapeutic
for you during the divorce process and give you some clarity and direction.
If
your spouse chooses to continue posting anything and everything, do not let
him/her pull you in, stay strong, keep your grace and do not respond. When others ask about what your spouse has
announced just decline to respond. Trust
me, from my experiences in this arena, your spouse will look like the bad guy
in the end!
Once
your divorce is finalized, continue to show grace in what you decide to post. Do not post things like “I can finally be
happy” or “I’ve been miserable for 12 years and now I’m free”. It is over at this point, why continue to
take jabs at your ex-spouse? I recently had
a client whose husband posted on Facebook “I can finally move on with the love
of my life” on the day his divorce was final.
His teenage son is Facebook friends with him. That was not kind, that was selfish. By posting this he not only hurt his son, but
his friends and family, who he had spent months denying an affair to, no longer
trust or believe him. And of course, it
hurt his ex-wife and many friends and family came running to her with words of kindness
and support. If he had just shown a
little grace and not posted something so hurtful to so many, life for him and
his girlfriend would have gone much smoother after the divorce. Once the divorce is final, just refrain from
posting and writing anything at all about or at your ex-spouse.
Grace
is important throughout the whole divorce process and after, especially if
there are kids involved. Continue to show grace to your ex-spouse and remember
to show grace to yourself. You may slip
up, make mistakes, but you should just forgive yourself and keep your head held
high and keep going. Remember, grace
goes both ways.
Stayed tuned for Part 3 in this series coming soon.
