Grace
through a divorce… not possible!
Actually, yes, it is. Be the one who is graceful (and shows grace)
through the divorce process and I promise you will feel better about yourself
at the end.
Divorce
is painful, even if it is amicable (which we will discuss that in a different
post), and it is not easy. There are so
many feelings involved. You are sad, hurt, angry and confused to name a
few. These feelings will be there even
if you want the divorce, even if you are the cause of the divorce, and even if
you filed. Your life has been intertwined
with your spouses and untangling that is difficult and time-consuming. But you do not want to make the process worse
by constantly “showing out” or by being uncooperative and bad-mouthing your
spouse, no matter how angry you are…. BE
GRACEFUL… Here are some tips for doing just that:
First,
once the decision has been made and you are moving forward with the divorce,
try to communicate with your spouse through text and email. This will keep you from having verbal
confrontations which will inevitably lead to you saying something you shouldn’t
that may have your spouse saying “you are crazy”. If you are communicating through text and
email you will have physical evidence of everything that is said, and you may
even have some good evidence to use against your spouse in court if
necessary. Remember this goes both ways. Be careful what you send and re-read every text or email several times before
sending. If you are angry, ask a friend
or even your attorney to read it before sending. You may want to sit on it for a day. What you send could also be used in court
against you, so don’t give your spouse the opportunity to look like the better
person here… because they will if they can.
Second, I recommend you deactivate
ALL social media accounts during the divorce.
This will eliminate any temptation to post things about your spouse and
your divorce, and it will especially keep you from posting about your new
boyfriend/girlfriend. I know that sounds
crazy, but I have seen updated relationship status’ during a divorce (sometimes
even to a fiancé). Even if your divorce
is almost final, it does not look good, and may give your spouse some ideas to
look into when that relationship actually started. Just go off-line through the process. It will
protect you and possibly give you some quiet time to process what is going
on. Now, once the divorce is final you
may want to post something like “I can finally be happy” or “I can now move on
with the love of my life” or something else just as a dig to your
ex-spouse. Keep the grace going, and
just skip it. This is especially
important if you have children. You are going to always need to protect them
and not disparage their other parent… please, please listen to this! Your
children need both parents, no matter how you feel, you are going to have to
find a way to hide those feelings.
Next, be flexible (or at least try
to look like you are). If there are some
small things you can give on, like who gets final say in activities/sports for
the kids, then give so that you can save your energy for the bigger fights,
like custody. The last thing you want is
to seem unreasonable. If you make more
money than your spouse, and especially if your spouse has no income, then offer
to pay for mediation. It really is a small gesture that will make you look like
the good guy/gal. You may even want to
offer to pay some or all of your spouse’s attorney’s fees if you make more
money and can afford to as it may end up saving you money in the long run as
well. Litigating in court gets very expensive.
And if you do end up in court, you will look like the reasonable party
just by making some small concessions. You may even look a little better in the
eyes of your soon to be ex.
Finally, keep living your life.. no
matter how hard it is. Get out of bed,
go to work, the gym, take the kids to school and activities, go to dinner with
friends… fake it until you make it. The world will see this person who went
through a divorce with grace, and you will appreciate that when it’s all
over. You will be able to feel good
about how you handled yourself throughout the process and you will be able to
hold your head high (hopefully higher than your ex).
These few recommendations will get
you started on your way to a graceful divorce.
There may be times when you just cannot follow these guidelines because
the hurt is too deep and you are too angry.
So if you slip up, say something you regret or do something that you
know you shouldn’t have, don’t give up… start again. Grace goes both ways!
Stayed tuned for Part
2 in this series coming soon.
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